Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
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WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
plums roundup
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back