Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick