Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.