Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
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Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot