Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
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Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.