Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
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Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches