Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
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HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.