Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
men are simple creatures
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no