One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
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Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it