One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them