One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
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We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
the only organized thing in my life is crime
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there