One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
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The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”