“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
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I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Covid like
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Attacked by a mop.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.