One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
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Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Namaste
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?