One cake enters. No cake leaves.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.