One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
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[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something