@topshelftyson

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

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@felixoshea

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

@cloudypianos

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

@HiddenPinky

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

@_elvishpresley_

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

@Book_Krazy

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

@murrman5

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

@jakery

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

@dumbbeezie

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

@tvandspam

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes