One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Story of my life…..
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
thank god the sign was there
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
dictator is short for richard potato
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
buying dead houseplants to save time
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”