One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
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When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
crochet youtube is brutal
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
You know…for fall…
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka