One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
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While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
he looks great for his age
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*