One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.