One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial


Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?


MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors


How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick


Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.


Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph