One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

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I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.


Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.


My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.


The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.


Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.


There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-


*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*