One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
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the council will decide your fate
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Can’t stop laughing
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?