One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
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doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
******
Password ex…
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
this is the news I live for
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.