One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
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“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
The Others (2001)
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet