One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.