One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.


Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.


I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.


ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5


My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.


On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.


Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men


Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.


Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…