@OhMrWonka

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

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@AngieDavisHaha

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

@dshack8

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

@SlabBaconBP

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

@Home_Halfway

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

@Brianhopecomedy

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

@10InchesPlus

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

@PuddingBoobs

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

@FSUSteve

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

@DocBrown21

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…