One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
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I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
This line from Airplane.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
i wish i could marry a nap
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us