@shesananteater

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

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@KevinBuffalo

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

@ddsmidt

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

@KimmyMonte

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

@KevinLSchwartz

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

@ArtIsMyPorn

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

@donnie_fairburn

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

@BwanaChris

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

@BriarSlyMalice

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

@leannuh

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

@chinesegon

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag