One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.


When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?


You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse


2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.


Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.


If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.


Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”


He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”


“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato


i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag