One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *