One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
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Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then