One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.