@ComicLover_94

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

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@ch000ch

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

@AnOrangeSNES

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

@bencoffeehall

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

@ricsem

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

@causticbob

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

@shegotagronk

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

@mattZillaaaa

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

@ThisOneSayz

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

@sploosk

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

@ArfMeasures

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.