One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

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got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions


[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.


Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.


I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?


Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.


Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”


Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.


“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership


The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground


Amazon Review: A History of Criminals

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.