One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight