One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
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HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
crochet youtube is brutal
The Punning Dead.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.