Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
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“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”