@Thateverydayguy

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

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@MrSandeepP

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

@muskrat_john

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

@TheIronSherk

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

@sixfootcandy

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

@CVTBaby

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

@EndhooS

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

@iwearaonesie

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

@Quartzjixler

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

@SortaBad

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”