One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
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A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
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I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson