One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
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hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I can fix him.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now