One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
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What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.