One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
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Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
me before I type out affect or effect
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…