One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair