Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Running from your problems is cardio .