One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
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5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Taliband
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
We’re all getting idioter.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?