One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
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I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
100% of divorces begin with marriage.