One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.