“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Europe. Made in Germany.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.