One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
This is my bus stop.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”