One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
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ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
🙂🙃🥹
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”