@badbanana

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

You Might Also Like

@mjkspeaks

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

@aka_fatman

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

@heapsOhate

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

@kelkulus

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

@wilw

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

@NicCageMatch

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

@SvnSxty

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

@MooseChuckleTag

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

@stephenjmolloy

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

@DothTheDoth

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.