One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
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This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
#inspiration #foodforthought
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.