One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

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[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.


Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.


*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.


Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.


“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.


A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.


My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules


#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck


Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”


I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.