@mjkspeaks [at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
@badbanana One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
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@mjkspeaks 
@aka_fatman Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
@heapsOhate *finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
@kelkulus Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
@wilw “Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
@NicCageMatch A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
@SvnSxty My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
@MooseChuckleTag #CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
@stephenjmolloy Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
@DothTheDoth I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.