one last job
You Might Also Like
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Hot Hot Hot
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
They also CAN sing✌️
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it