One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
You Might Also Like
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
🙂🙃🥹
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Practicing safe sax
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.