One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

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Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL


“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob


[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”


My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.


“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms


I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”


[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?