One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
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This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.