One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?