One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
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Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
And then there were 4
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar