@TheTweetOfGod

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

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@pleatedjeans

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

@UnFitz

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

@Heatinblack

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

@Ameiam

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

@TheBoydP

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

@theNuzzy

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

@SadieSkyNinja

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

@iwearaonesie

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

@HansGrubertron

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side