One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

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Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]


The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.


I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries


I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.


My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.


My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”


Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.


Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.


Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”


ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side